When Parents Divorce

Keeping Communication Alive with Your Grandchildren

By Lisa Marie Metzler

The effects of divorce on parents and children have been widely discussed and well documented, but family break-ups hurt grandparents, too. Often, however, the heartbreak grandparents experience takes a back seat as they meet the needs of their children and grandchildren.

"Generally grandparents are a safe haven for children, and in the instance of divorce, may be the only adults a child feels he or she can rely on," says Susan Newman, Ph.D., author of Little Things Mean a Lot: Creating Happy Memories with Your Grandchildren (Crown Publishers, 1996).

Newman suggests that, if possible, grandparents should keep the same visiting schedule and activities as before the divorce process started. This stability can really open the lines of communication for grandparents and their grandchildren. Grandchildren may have questions, fears or comments that need to be heard, and a grandparent can be a good, neutral sounding board. "Grandparents will want to listen to what their grandchildren have to say, because listening (even if you don't have answers) tells children you care about them and their concerns," Newman says. "This is especially important when parents may be focused on the tangles of divorce."

As tempting as it may be to try to "fix" things, it is best to stay neutral through the divorce process. Instead of taking sides and offering unwanted advice, step back from the situation and offer to help each of the divorced parents. It will go a long way toward future visitation if you stay neutral and positive.

"If the grandparents have a negative relationship with the children's mother or father, it will severely impact the relationship they have with their grandchildren," says Elise Edelson Katch, a Denver, Colo.-based licensed clinical social worker and author of The Get: A Spiritual Memoir of Divorce (Health Communications, 2001).

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