When Parents Divorce

Keeping Communication Alive with Your Grandchildren

By Lisa Marie Metzler

It is crucial to develop cordial relationships with the ex-daughter-in-law or ex-son-in-law. Expect to encounter negativity from an unhappy and hurting parent. Resist the temptation to give in and pass on the negativity to your grandchildren. Ignore the comments and find something positive to say instead. Be careful, too, that grandchildren do not hear any heated discussions over the phone or in person. In return, you may be surprised at how eagerly children develop their own positive outlooks about you, despite what an upset parent may be saying. When you choose to be pleasant and upbeat around your grandchildren, they will feel loved and secure.

If you are fortunate enough to keep regular visits with your grandchildren, keep in mind they may need to vent from time to time about the divorce. Perhaps they're not happy with a new stepfather or stepmother. It is crucial to listen with an open mind and not pass on any negative feelings you may have about the parent in question. Grant your grandchildren the freedom to express their emotions. When they know they are safe to do so, you'll become the rock on which they can lean. Of course, if you feel there is a legitimate concern, then talk to the parent.

Your heartbreak may be hard to mask at times, but if you keep your focus on your grandchildren, your patience and peacekeeping agenda should pay off. However, if you have exhausted all your efforts and a parent refuses to let you visit your grandchildren, seek legal advice.

Not all divorces end amicably. Sometimes a child's parent makes it difficult to maintain a relationship with grandchildren. This was the situation for Beth* of Elwood, Ind. After her daughter's divorce, her daughter moved to Florida, andBeth wasn't allowed to see her grandchildren for a period f time. Luckily, her daughter eventually allowed visits, but it still wasn't an ideal situation.

"Time soothes many of the rough spots in divorce," Newman says. "It is often better for the grandparents to step back, difficult as that may be, until the divorce kinks are worked out." However, she strongly suggests that grandparents don't give in to discouragement. As time goes on, even the most problematic parents often soften and reconsider the important role a grandparent has in a child's life. "My relationship with my daughter was strained to say the least,"Beth says. "We tried to be upbeat, but the past kept getting brought up."

Want to see more?

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• Growing up with Grandparents: Making Your Parents Part of Your Child's Life
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