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Raising Generations
Does Your Discipline Style Affect Your Grandchildren? By Kim Byrum Skinner
Healthy limits, Bloir emphasizes, protect children from physical or psychological harm, and typically stem from important family values.
"When you discipline, are you in love with your power, or showing the power of love?" he asks. "One of the biggest mistakes is overuse of negative words in parenting: 'Don't play in the street!' 'You can't stay out until midnight!' Instead, tell them what they CAN do: 'You can play in the backyard.' 'You can play inside a fenced yard.'
Kids who grow up with a lifetime of don'ts and can'ts end up being overly cynical and pessimistic. As adults, they see the glass as proverbially half-empty. Some lack a strong sense of self, become overly compliant and transform into "the proverbial doormats everyone walks on." Others become dictators themselves.
Those raised in radically permissive households, meanwhile, often fail to learn that decisions and behaviors have consequences, developing a false sense of entitlement.
"Limits need to be focused, clear and positive," Bloir says. "An example is 'Clean up this mess.' In parents' minds, their standard of 'clean' means toys must be neatly organized and books stacked in a certain way. But by using only those four words, parents aren't communicating what those standards or expectations really are. It's better to say, 'These toys are tripping hazards. These clothes could get ripped. We've devoted lots of money to these clothes and toys, and it's important to take care of them. So how about putting all your toys back in the closet? And your clothes back in their drawers?'"
"Instead of having a house full of 'don'ts,' I try to focus on making our house safe so our child can explore," says Bloir, who has a 16-month-old son. "Our outlets have covers on them, for example, so there are fewer opportunities to have to say, 'no!' As a result, when I do say, 'no!' it carries much more weight, and it's said in one of my louder daddy voices that gets his attention."
