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Grandma in Charge

When Grandparents Care for Kids

By C.J. Johnson

Should children pay their parents to tend the grandchildren? Dr. Pompa doesn't believe it is always necessary.

"It depends on the grandparents' financial situation and the psychological meaning of money in the family," she says. "If the grandparents need the money, or feel that being paid would represent a tangible symbol that their efforts are valued, then they should be compensated at a level that is mutually agreed upon by both parties."

Although the loving concern of grandparents is a bonus, it can go too far. Dr. Pezzi acknowledges that it may be difficult for the grandparents to let the parents take control again once they arrive home.

"At times the boundaries can become fuzzy and cause friction with regard to discipline issues," she says.

Dr. Pompa warns that if the grandparents do not respect their child's decisions about child rearing and vice versa, the grandchildren may learn to play both parties against the other to get what they want.

There are inherent challenges with this situation. "There may be conflict if grandparents are more lenient with grandchildren, and the parents feel the children are being 'spoiled' when they are at the grandparents' house," Dr. Pompa says.

Dr. Pompa also believes that the different focus of parenting styles in the past may cause problems to arise. She theorizes that grandparents, especially grandfathers, who were not physically and/or emotionally available while raising their own children may attempt to overcompensate for the absence by buying the grandchildren lots of material items and going light on the discipline.

The opposite also may be true. Dr. Pompa believes sometimes grandparents feel their own children are not raising the grandchildren to behave properly, and they may impose stricter limits in the daycare situation.

Want to see more?

• Good Grandparents: Changing with the Times
• If Not You, Who? Finding the Right Childcare
• Safe Steps for Toddlers:
• Raising Generations: Does Your Discipline Style Affect Your Grandchildren?
• Check out our Article Library.
• Talk about it!