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Unexpected Blessings
Becoming a Stepgrandparent By Lisa Marie Metzler
For some families, becoming a stepgrandparent is a simple process. There are, however, many variables to consider before forging a bond with your new stepgrandchild. Keep in mind that younger children typically have less difficulty accepting new grandparents. Older kids, especially teens, may still be reeling from the trauma of divorce.
Knowing these factors can help you make adjustments according to each grandchild. "The best approach is to go slowly," says Lillian Carson, Ph.D., author of The Essential Grandparent's Guide to Divorce: Making a Difference in the Family (Health Communications, 1999). "Don't jump right in, but work at developing a relationship with your new stepgrandchild and her mother or father. It is important to do your best to develop a comfort level with new family members as you and they attempt to blend your families. If this is done with honesty, the relationship can be very meaningful to the children."
According Katrina Hayday Wester, founder of Grandparents Magazine, your role depends upon the child's parents. "Stepgrandparents may have their own grandchildren and feel torn between treating stepgrandchildren the same as their own," says Wester. "Will they be expected to baby-sit, give the same types of gifts, change family routines, etc.? Discussing expectations in advance will help new stepgrandparents ease into this new role more comfortably. The best way to be accepted is to spend time and communicate with the new grandchild. Spending one-on-one time will help develop the relationship."
Determine your new grandchild's particular interests. What is her favorite meal? Does he enjoy playing video games or is he more inclined to enjoy a walk with you? What is her favorite author or television show? Use this information when buying birthday gifts or planning activities with your grandchild.
The role of stepgrandparent came easily for Linda Mayer of Deer Park, Texas. Mayer first met her stepgranddaughter at her son's wedding. The girl was only 5, but very open to Mayer. "She knows that I am not her biological grandmother, but to both of us a blood relationship is not what makes a loving relationship," says Mayer. Mayer treats her stepgranddaughter the same as her biological grandchildren. "She spends the night, attends holiday celebrations and other special occasions with us and calls me Nana, just like all my other grandchildren do," says Mayer.
Sharon Conklin, stepgrandmother to seven, from St. Johns, Mich., believes love is the most important factor. "A child can feel love and know if it is genuine," says Conklin. "I cannot stress enough how important it is to give these God-given gifts loads of hugs and love. I enjoy playing card games, taking walks, sharing good times and just listening to my grandchildren. I guess I love kids so much I can get down to their level. The kids can feel that."
