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Home › Articles › Becoming a Grandparent › Playing Favorites

Playing Favorites

When Grandparents Appear to Favor One Grandchild

By Sue Marquette Poremba

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When Catherine Woodring's* nephew was born, her father-in-law could not make enough of a fuss. This was the first grandchild, loved by all. Although most grandparents will say that they love each grandchild equally, grandchildren often pick up the sense that one particular grandchild or a set of grandchildren are favored over the others. The favored grandchild or grandchildren usually know it, too, and sometimes it can cause a rift between the cousins or the middle generation.

In most cases, grandparents do not intentionally play favorites, but circumstances fall that way. When one grandchild or set of grandchildren live close by while the others live in another state, it can give the appearance the grandparents favor the local grandchildren because they are able to be more active in the children's lives. A grandfather who raised all daughters may be so excited to have a male heir that he dotes more on his grandson than on his granddaughter.

Personality also plays a role in the way grandparents treat or react to their grandchildren, according to Charles Sophy, a psychiatrist based in Beverly Hills. "Sometimes you simply like one better than the other, or one rubs you the wrong way," he says. "Look at each child individually. Find each child's strength or interest, and focus on that."

Gift Giving
Children particularly notice the favoritism at gift giving time, especially if one child receives a well-thought present while the others receive something more generic, like gift cards or a new sweater. It may seem like a small gesture, but a gift that recognizes each child's interests can go a long way. For example, one grandmother buys a wall calendar for each grandchild. With hundreds of different calendar designs to choose from, she is able to find something to fit everyone's individual taste.

Family interactions also come into play when defining grandparent-grandchild relationships. When grandparents play favorites, it can cause more than hurt feelings for the children. If only one grandchild is singled out as a favorite, it can cause a rift between siblings. If one set of grandchildren is favored over the other family units, it can create hard feelings between cousins, making family gatherings uncomfortable.

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