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Tough Love
Living with Your Child and Grandchild
By Laura Paul
Houtman, who grew up in Liberty, Pa., says grandparents living with their child and grandchildren often take on the role of parent in the household. They miss out on the joys of spoiling their grandchildren because they have to be the "bad cop."
However, experts say grandparents can practice tough love with their child and grandchildren by setting boundaries, expecting the parent to fulfill his or her adult responsibilities and letting go when necessary. One of the keys to a successful outcome is making sure the adult child stays in his or her role as the parent and disciplinarian. Grandparents can be good role models by setting limits and requiring their child to pitch in and help.
"The interesting thing in my home is my grandmother became the disciplinarian and my grandfather tried to play the grandpa role," Houtman says. "He'd be the one who would slip us money behind her back. She'd make a decision and he would completely undo it. He was trying the best he could to be the spoiling grandparent."
Emily Hoyt, of Idaho Falls, Idaho, facilitator of a family caregivers program as part of a Grandparents Raising Grandchildren support group, says today more women and men are returning home to live with their parents because of the tough economy. It's more common to have multigenerational households because of high divorce rates and the fact that it often takes two incomes to raise a family. However, grandparents should not be carrying the financial burden of the entire clan.
Houtman, who is the mother of a 2-year-old boy and 1-year-old girl, says grandparents should not be timid about asking their children to contribute financially to the household expenses. Make a budget and stick to it. Divide household tasks, chores and errands. Treat the child, at least financially, as if he or she is a stranger renting a room.