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Expert Q&A

	By Kate Cohen-Posey Therapist

My child was left out of a sleepover with a girl she considers a good friend. I am very friendly with the mother as well. I realize my daughter won't be invited to everything all the time. However, it seems like this was done secretly so we would not find out, but we did. My child does not know about the party, and I don't know if I should tell her. How would I present this to her without hurting her sense of self-worth?

There is a clear distinction between who a person is and what a person does. Our society, generically speaking, has collapsed these two domains, and the result seems most often to be some version of "What is wrong with me?" This is what affects "self worth" and the truth is, these are two separate issues, and it takes mindfulness to keep them separated.

Since your daughter will undoubtedly hear about the activity she wasn't invited to, I would invite you to be the one who addresses this sensitive issue with her. Also, I suspect you may feel in an awkward place with the girl's mother, and this is yet another issue to resolve for yourself, so perhaps you're handling two emotional issues. I say this to support you in not collapsing your possible issue with the mother on top of your daughter's situation.

Whenever I am going to broach a sensitive issue with someone, I secure their permission, so if an upset occurs, I can remind them I have their permission to discuss this. For instance: "Daughter, I have something a bit sensitive I want to discuss with you. Is it a good time for us to sit down and talk?" Asking questions is so much more powerful than telling," and it gives you more to work with. If you begin to discuss this, and she becomes upset (emotions which are normal and natural) you might say, "Perhaps this isn't a good time to visit about this, and that is why I asked if this was a good time to talk with you." While this doesn't resolve the issue, it does bring the conversation back to her choosing to have it, and that is the point at this juncture: that she keep choosing to have this talk.

Your deep relationship will help you resolve this so she isn't left feeling that something is wrong with her. Perhaps you can share a story from your own childhood, when you were left out. A powerful question might be: "What would have to happen" for her to move on, to be OK with this, to still be the girl's friend, etc. What you are looking for is new information so you can counsel her. Most likely you will find out what really happened (you might even ask the other mother) and can address the deeper, underlying issue, of which you may currently be unaware.

This is a great opportunity to provide your daughter with tools to handle these types of emotional issues, as she grows to womanhood. We all chose daily whether to invalidate ourselves, to remember we are not our circumstances, unless we give up our power to them, and by default become a victim in the matter.

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