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Expert Q&A

	By Joshua Coleman, Ph.D. Psychologist

My daughter-in-law favors her mother over me as far as spending time with the grandchildren goes. My grandchildren are 10, 8 and 5. We all live in the same city, although I live across town. I often call to invite my grandchildren to spend the weekend with me, but my requests are always met with excuses why they can't come to me or why I can't come to them. I found out recently from my granddaughter that on several of those occasions they has made plans with the other grandmother. I have told my son that I want even time. He says he will see what he can do, but nothing ever comes of it. My daughter-in-law are not on bad terms, but we certainly aren't close either. I am so afraid that I will lose out on the chance to build a relationship with my grandkids. What can I do?

This is a not-so-unusual situation where the daughter or son-in-law somehow makes it harder to see the grandkids. It can be so painful for grandparents to be kept from their grandchildren, especially when they live so close. Mothers are often the kin-keepers in a family and sometimes have stronger opinions about who the grandkids should spend time with. I don't think that you can insist to your son that you get equal time, because it may alienate him. You also don't want to be critical of his wife to him, because she may use that against you if she learns of it, and restrict your access even further. That said, I would try to book my time with the grandkids through your son and not the grandkids or his wife. You may also want to see if there are things that you can do to strengthen your relationship with her so that she feels more motivated to be more thoughtful of your feelings. Make sure your conversations with your son emphasize your missing the grandkids and not his being a bad son or his having a bad wife.

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