Grandchildren can be the pride and joy of grandparents, but it's an entirely different situation when the grandchildren are living with their single parent and grandparents. Much of the mystery and excitement is gone. A teenager granddaughter who used to be so polite has lost her halo and grown outright obnoxious and annoying.

Experts say grandparents, as the head of multigenerational households, have countless challenges, especially when their grandchild is acting out. They must balance their roles as fun-loving grandparents while still insisting their children raise their own children – even if it is under the grandparents' roof. Also, grandparents need to know when to let go if a grandchild is not pulling his or her share of the responsibilities or is contributing to more gray hairs.

Sally Houtman, of Los Angeles, Calif., could not put words to it as a child, but she knew things were not the way they were supposed to be. Houtman, the author of To Grandma's House, We ... Stay – When You Have to Stop Spoiling Your Grandchildren and Start Raising Them (Studio 4 Productions, 1999), lived with her grandparents, brother and father.

"I remember being in school, and when my classmates came back from family vacation, they went to Grandma's farm or they went to visit Grandma and Grandpa and got in an airplane and then came home," she says. "I remember thinking as a child how I did not get to do that. My whole family was in the same house."

"I was very aware when I was growing up that something was missing that I did not get to take advantage of," Houtman says. "As a child I did not think about the fact that my grandparents were not getting it either. As I got older I really started feeling for them – they missed out, too."

Discipline Issues
Houtman, who grew up in Liberty, Pa., says grandparents living with their child and grandchildren often take on the role of parent in the household. They miss out on the joys of spoiling their grandchildren because they have to be the "bad cop."

However, experts say grandparents can practice tough love with their child and grandchildren by setting boundaries, expecting the parent to fulfill his or her adult responsibilities and letting go when necessary. One of the keys to a successful outcome is making sure the adult child stays in his or her role as the parent and disciplinarian. Grandparents can be good role models by setting limits and requiring their child to pitch in and help.

"The interesting thing in my home is my grandmother became the disciplinarian and my grandfather tried to play the grandpa role," Houtman says. "He'd be the one who would slip us money behind her back. She'd make a decision and he would completely undo it. He was trying the best he could to be the spoiling grandparent."

Financial Issues
Emily Hoyt, of Idaho Falls, Idaho, facilitator of a family caregivers program as part of a Grandparents Raising Grandchildren support group, says today more women and men are returning home to live with their parents because of the tough economy. It's more common to have multigenerational households because of high divorce rates and the fact that it often takes two incomes to raise a family. However, grandparents should not be carrying the financial burden of the entire clan.

Houtman, who is the mother of a 2-year-old boy and 1-year-old girl, says grandparents should not be timid about asking their children to contribute financially to the household expenses. Make a budget and stick to it. Divide household tasks, chores and errands. Treat the child, at least financially, as if he or she is a stranger renting a room.

Although it sounds good on paper, sometimes emotional issues come into play. Houtman says her own grandparents had a hard time getting her father to contribute. "He was a young man, so he was going out and doing his thing," she says. "A lot of the arguments in the home surrounded, 'You need to pay for this; you need to pay for that,' and he would claim he did not have any money. He'd give a little bit here and there but primarily my grandparents were responsible for everything."

The School Connection
Grandparents and parents can work together to support a difficult or troubled grandchild. By being active in the grandchild's school, the grandchild will know his or her loved ones care.

Dianne Rothenberg, the co-director of the Educational Resources Information Center's clearinghouse on elementary and early childhood education at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign Children's Research Center in Champaign, Ill., says grandparents should be in frequent contact with the childcare center or school where the grandchild attends.

They need to monitor where the children are when they are not in school and spend a lot of time talking with their grandchildren and building a loving, trusting relationship with them.

"Schools can be sensitive to the many configurations that today's families can take," Rothenberg says. "For example, many teachers have changed events and assignments that are targeted to a specific person in the child's life such as 'Invite Your Dad to Lunch Day' or interviewing parents about what school was like when they were growing up to be more inclusive, and this is probably a step in the right direction."

Cut the Apron Strings
Assuming their child does not have a life-threatening disease or disability, grandparents might want to consider taking their child and grandchildren into the home on a temporary basis. They can help their son or daughter in crisis and lay the groundwork for helping them become independent.

Houtman says grandparents also need to know when to call it quits. If their grandchild is being unruly and the parent is not able to solve the problem, the grandchild might need to find other living arrangements.

"If you keep trying to do the same thing over and over again and it's not working, sometimes it's inherent in the environment and the kid is not going to be able to respond to it," Houtman says. "If they have tried all other avenues like family counseling, sometimes the most loving thing to do is say, 'Look you need to go somewhere else.' I've seen it where the kid goes to live with the other parent. In my experience they don't stay there very long. They come back with a new attitude."

If the grandchild does decide to move in with another relative in the area or another state, be firm about the expectations if the grandchild should return. Make a plan on paper stating the circumstances in which the grandchild could return, the expectations and requirements.

Continue to show love and support by offering a listening ear and not being critical. Stay involved with the grandchild's school and hobbies. Meanwhile, take advantage of the breather by pursuing long lost goals, taking a trip and trying something your grandchild may have unknowingly taught you: How to put yourself first.

Want to see more?

• Discipline Matters: What Is Grandma's Rule?
• When Parents Divorce: Keeping Communication Alive With Your Grandchildren
• Grandma in Charge: When Grandparents Care for Kids
• Talk about it!